I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
