My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
