what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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