They should really pass out barf bags in church
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
