i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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