I want to walk on stilts...naked
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
