if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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