he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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