He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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