my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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