Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
