remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
