Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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