My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
