I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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