I just saw a hot homeless man
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
