Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
