Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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