real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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