burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
