he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.