my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
