Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
