I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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