Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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