my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
