Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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