Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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