last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
