At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
