i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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