Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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