dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
