Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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