ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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