Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
