before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
