this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
