Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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