There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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