You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
