my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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