I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
