i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
