At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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