i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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