I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
