Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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