i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
