I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
