Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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