Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
