It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
