On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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