blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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