i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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